bohemianbeauty72's Blog

it was explained to me  today that some of the problems i keep having is because my friends are my onley family and that i expect the same loyalty that i give.up untill 6 months ago i had 3 close friends that were to me my family they were my rock. first andrei abandoned me and now cath.now ive vita left how if i lose her i will have no one .i knowlonger keep intouch with any of my real family they went long ago.ive tried to open up and learn to have faith in other people as i needed to for my pycoloical and emotional well being.cath told me today that our friend ship has been damaged because of some thing ive said and done so shes pulled away with out confrounting me .i personaly cant fathem how a close friend could do this to someone that they care about but as it was explained to me today ,my view off friendship is different than everyone else as i belive that my friends are family.....as theve all ive got but they dont see it that way and it causeing me alot of emotional and pycological problems as when they pull away and dissregared me and my friendship im brought back to that place in my childhood where i was alone left to die with out a second thought.i think that cath dosnt understand quite what shes done but because of her actions atm im unable to venture forth into any new friendships because they bring on pharanoia and panic attacks..........so thanks for your friendship guys as youve done so much for me and yove manged to bring me to my knees...thats a job well done

its not looking good, being 37 and single i could handle but deppresed as well....no no no this just cant do

 ive never been so fucking ashamed of who i am.god i dont deserve to be here, im a discrace.ive always held myself in high regard because i have never vengfuly destroyed someone like ive been destroyed repeatedly.ive never been able to understand how another person could have caulisly hurt me,so many of my love ones have......well i did it, i flew into a rage and venvafuly hurt someone i onve loved,why?BECAUSE IM FUCKING SICK OF IT,IM SICK OF BEING GUTTED AND HURT,ABANDOND AND LEFT TO FEND FOR MYSELF.MY MOTHER,MY FATHER,MY BEST FRIEND OF 13 YEARS...AND NOW ANDREI.Each time it happens i find it harder and harder to trust.i dont want to any more,its to dangerous for me as im unwell now and not physicaly coping with stress,ive been put on disability for 6 months to recover....this is killing me,letting people in and learning to trust and love again only to be shatteded.i need to stop,im closing up shop people and retiering from romance.maybe i will get a dog lol

ive realized why i dont like dating ,because its tedious getting to know someone.i have to do this all over again and im already over it.i like comfortibility and fimilerarity thats why i dislike one night stands....i dont want to have toget to know someone not again.

i hate it as it scares me.just before major turning avents in my life i get a spate of strong dejavu,when i first met the father of my children,just before my house fire,when i first came to the company that i met my current partner.i have had it alot recently and its scaring me as i believe im at a cross roads,in the past my life has been turned upside down and im scared, i suppose the end resolt was always personel growth and most likely up heavle but man im freaking out.....i think my partners at the same cross roads and hes not coping well at all, actully ive never seen andrei sob so hard foor so long.......i dont want to loose him but depending on the desision made at these cross roads i may  loose him........im scared and i fucking hate dejvu             I HAVE TO HAVE FAITH....MY ANGELS HAVE NEVER LET ME DOWN AND IM SURE THEY WONT NOW,But unfortunatly i cant shake that naging feeling hat im not alowed to be happy in this life

all i need to do is breathe...do i let it out or do i keep it in?sob all i need to do is sob......

well here i am, completly well not having had anziaty or deppression for months..mmm... exelent so i decided to get a better job as i realy feel that  i can cope.ive just finished my week of training for telsra an aus communications company ,the biggest here.im oart of a sales team going door to door.i was copin fine for the first couple of days then the anziaty began so i implemented all of my coping stategies, walking,herbs, positive affimations and so on.any way yesterday i didnt pass one of my exam moduals as ive descovered that i have a real problem retaining infomation and unfortunatly ive a lot to learn as telstra is increadible complicated.this morning after a terible night of vomiting from anziatiy and nervious diarea i almost piked and gave up but my partner cnvinsed me to go in 2 work.im glad i did and ive desided not to succum like i usualy do to my fears and quit,no im gona give this my best shot.ive always been an under achiever who has incredible potental because i have always given up as the anziaty was to much.stress...its the stress that causes my anziaty i also found that stress has been setting off my broncitice .i havent had trouble breathing for awhile,so its deffinitly stress related.so now i know what has been causing me problems all these years.im not giving up this time but if anyone has some tips on how to study i would greatly aprecoate them as my brains not retaining any info

what a tool and hes suposed to be a profecional.mmm i think its alot more complecated than being a pot smoker in my teens.man i cant belive the amount of lack of education in the medical perfesion even to day its a descrace and a shame on our sociaty that this doctor was given permision to treat people as i think is completly safe to say that i would no far more about the couses of anziaty in people than he would.hay maybe i should set up practice.

im trapped in an abusive relationship with the father of my children, my ex husband.hes been using the kids for 7 years to contol me and emotionaly abuse me.his has been and still is one of the biggest triggers in my life for my deppression and anziaty.my children are trapped aswell and being used as porns,manipulated and emotionaly abused to serve in his vendeta to get back at me for leaving him .he hurts my children to hurt me buy brainwashing them and telling them terible things about there mother.ive done some reserch and this is increadibly damaging as it can cause in the adult hood ,deppression ,anziaty ,pharania,dissasocation ,bia polla ,splits in personality and codependancy.the courts wont listen to me when i say its abuse.ive been healing myself for a long time but every time i do he starts again and it begins all over again the deppression and anziaty, night mares, then he begins on the kids again, god it hurts and hes desytroying the lives of our children because he wont give up on his idea to destroy me by taking my kids away from me by covincing them to hate me as much as he dose.he tells them terible things like mum dosnt want to see u when in actual fact im trying to see them but hes deniying accsess .he isolates me from there lives and hes managed to isolate me from there school comunities in previous schhols by lying and exaureating and glaming negulance to other members of the school comunity.lucky were no longer at that school, but this is how vindictive he is.

im an insesant talker and theres been many times when ive revealed way to much but unfortunatly once its passed my lips  i cant reverse it and inevedble i always get myself into alot of touble.today i opened my mouth and revealed something i shouldent have  ahhh now im just waiting to see just how much damage ive done to myself this friggin time....man i can be a real tool sometimes. i should still be on P plates when using my mouth

it feels so close,having my son by my side but im petrafied that it all falls apart before it happens and then my hearts broken all over again.if it dosnt happen this time i will be unable to try again.i have my hopes up again and there so high as ive started making plans ,im gona be devistated if it falls apart ,how will i be able to pick myself up again?....i mustent fear what has not happened yet,i must remain positive.its just that i never quite get the dream as luck and happyness seems to alude me...lol...so im almost expecting that something will go wrong and i will never have the dream as thats the way my life has been so far.do u think theres such a thing as a happy ending for someone like me?

my son asked me today if he could live with me.......im just hoping its not all acrule joke, so im crossing my fingers untill its official, wish me luck

i belive that a good resume is one filled with a couple of good quatity jobs and maybe a couple of shitty jobs not lots of shitty jobs and only a couple of good jobs you see its about quality and not quantity.if you were an employer which would u choose? well i approach my sex life in the same manner thats why i coose to only a couple of good quality jobs and only one or two shit ones,quality as apposed to quantity thanks